The Lost Art Of Keeping A Secret

Been a while since I stumbled myself into this text box and told of the many adventures of my days. Well, truth be told, not so adventuring as of late. And, not much of a life either.

The neurologist. Did his thing. Apparently he's not concerned that I'm losing my memory. Or that I'm passing out, or that I'm having nosebleeds left right and center. He thinks it's a heart problem. What else right?

I have no faith in medicine.

Apparently it's a good guess to say my heart is shutting down, thus making the rest of my shut down. I pass out, I hit the floor, a few seconds later heart comes back, begin the awakening process.

I have to go see a heart specialist soon, I'm still debating wether it will be worth it or not.

The other day I passed out on the stairs and cut my head open, I managed to fumble a lie to my family about getting into a fight, which, wouldn't exactly be terribly unusual behavior for the area I live in. I spent a good hour or two at the foot of the stairs bleeding from the head. Another missed day of work, that won't go down well at all.

I'm already in the firing line.

I've booked alot of time off this month, for the just-in-cases. I seem to be spending most days sleeping, and waking up in a groggy mess, unsure of what day, time or month it is. Post-it notes scatter my life at the moment, reminding me of anything and everything i feel the need to be reminded of.

Post-it notes scatter my room with her name, with messages of failed contact attempts, upset nights and painful realisations. My computer monitor, wallpapered with messages about work and friends. What friends, what work. Non-existant. They have to be, I don't want nor need them to know. I'll let them believe what I let them, I'm just having one of my well known reclusive stints. I don't need the sympathy or pity. It's not support if you can't remember it 24 hours later... My desk is strewn with post it notes with large crosses through them, presumably things I've done or no longer intend to do. A journal mainly helps me remember what I've been doing. I bought it recently, then spent two days trying to remember why I bought it.

It feels good in a way to know, that nobody else knows. I feel a little more secure. If I was to let just one of them know, they all would, then things would change. Keeping a secret is a lost art. Just like writing a letter. Keeping secrets and writing down your emotions mean nothing. Because on our craggy crumbled up ball of water and dirt, or Earth to some.. Words are weightless because they're free. Secrets mean nothing if they aren't your secrets. It's a sad fact, but it's the way things turn out.

I'd rather sit this through alone anyway..

How to save a life.

This is more an apology than anything else. Over the last few days, I've had time to stew and think and sit things through. And I'm angry, and I'm bitter. My health is in doubt. I'm losing love. But more importantly I'm lashing out. Without reason. You have to be cold and heartless to push the people away who are only trying to ease the pressure. Or give you that hand on your shoulder, that says nothing more but they're there.

And that's how I feel. Cold and heartless.

The neurology appointment comes along on the 9th. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of what's going on. They say it'll be nothing I know, but.. I have a feeling it's the kind of nothing you say when you don't want to cause a panic.

I'm forgetting people, places, times and dates. I wake up confused and unsure. I goto sleep much the same. Everything in between when trying to recall is but a blur. It scares the shit out of me. But who am I to show weakness concerns me. I've spent a lot of the time since this happened pretending I'm fine. But it's getting to me. I'm petrified.

How long before I forget something big? How long before I pass out and nobody is there to find me? What if I don't wake up, when I have a nosebleed in my sleep? Will I always be confused?

Even things like playing the guitar, I struggle with now, it feels like my body is working faster than my brain.

Body, faster than mind. And I think because of this (Though please this isn't an excuse fvor my actions) could be why I'm saying stupid things, being a stupid person. And I apologise. In the only way right now I can truely explain it, which would be through simple words, in simple format, simply put.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to hurt people, push them away, make them worry or cause pity on my side.

I don;t know how to deal with all this, I've never been good with dealing with anything, usually resorting to booze or drugs or just running. But I can't run from this, and I can't hide behind crutches. So I'm angry..

I'm dissapointed in myself. I know you might feel the same dissapointment towards me too.

Sorry.

He's the bad guy because I'm biased.

So theres a little bit of groundwork with my last blog. You know a bit about who I am, or at least who I've been and been with. Though the full story it was not.

Before this whole break thing came into play there did so enter another. Somebody she works with. Sounded like a nice guy to be honest. I use past tense because I'm bitter.

I'm a bitter, bitter man.


So as I stated before the break came this man, worming his way into a friendship. Then what? She spends more time out.. Out with him. What do I say? I say nothing. Why? Because I wanted her to have fun with her friends. Who wouldn't? Not me.
I regret that.
I think I may always have to considering the time they spent together increased and the time with me decreased. If I enquired it would result in an argument, with her complaining about how I want every last bit of her time. I'm so inconsiderate..

But this is how it went. Up until a week or two before the break.. When what happened, but he turn around and tells her he loves her.

To me, people don't fall in love with somebody who's taken by innocent deeds. Call me ignorant or stubborn if you will but that's how I see it. Though the worst thing was how she reacted, wanting to protect him after he said it. My phone call from her that night all 20 minutes of it involved her crying about it. Because she "didn't want to hurt him". Well how about how I felt? A guy swoops in, steals the time with the girl who should be mine and tells her he loves her, whilst I'm kept out of the loop. and when I say I'm angry you protect him, you can't stop talking to him, even if I ask you to, and not even for the long run, just for the short while. What about me? Granted it was something said between the two of you, but you've been alienating and pushing ME away.

One night we have an argument at Manchester Oxford Road station. She spends all day distracted, moody.. Almost looking like she doesn't want to be there with me, we goto the cinema, we go for something to eat. We argue about what he said. It was innevitable. i'm insecure. She's beautiful. He's a threat. She departs on a train and we finnish the argument over the phone.
I ask her if she love shim, she says not in that way. I ask her if she likes him in the same way, she says she doesn't know. I ask her why she's so upset, she says shes's angry at him. I ask her why I have it taken out on me, when the little time we spend together I cherish, and she spends moping. She say's she's confused.
I'm angry. And deeply scarred from this. It's happened to me before. Only that time I was turned and ditched. I don't want this to happen again.
As I said, a week or so later, she needed time. Time to do her own thing. Time to herself, without me, without all this stress I bring to the table. It'll be the best thing for us she says. "I need to know I can miss you, like I used to." she said.. Apparently, at this present moment in time, I'm not what she wants. Although she does manage to throw in a few "I love you"'s and "I'm still your baby"'s. Keeping me hanging onto her and the ideal ending to all this.
The next few weeks find me in a panic, I return to smoking, I drink alot more. I start taking more painkillers for my knee. A few weeks ago I'd been beaten up at a train station in Wigan after going to see her. I still have the limp. I still have the pain. The pain didn't grow any worse, my needs for relief did.
I turn into a wreck, a bitter, angry.. disgruntled man. And I start counting. Counting to what I don't know. Counting the seconds from this moment to my last with her. a long slow drawn out death of a beautiful thing. She calls me everynight to tell me she loves me. And firmly reminds me we're still on a break. That this isn't what she wants. I get my ten minutes a night.
But my nights last longer than ten minutes. I can't get to sleep until after she calls, and then all of a sudden. I stop sleeping. When you stop sleeping your mind wanders alot. If your insecure.. this is never a good thing, as you sit waiting up for her call, having not slept for days, and you imagine her.. Fucking another guy. Cheating on you, like they've all done to you. Every last one. It's a curse, it's your curse. It'll end up this way. And when she doesn't call you feel rejected, maybe she's laying in a bed next to him.. When you call her a she doesn't answer you wonder if she hears it but won't respond because she's busy with him. The man who told her he loves her. The man who stole my time.
She goes to parties with him.. She works with him.. She hangs around with him.. But she tells me I'm stupid for thinking such things. I'm an idiot and my perception is skewed. I'm wrong. And for the moments following those words. I do believe her. And it seems to me I'm ok. And then she's gone. And I realise that's been said to me before. And how the lies they don't bother the people who tell them.. Not if they're having fun whilst they last.
And my heart breaks. And I'm left alone again, to fend off a sleepless night.

And a few days ago, she heads off to a halloween party. Her friends post pictures of how it was on her facebook. And there.. What do I see? There.. resting each others heads together, all cosied up..

I see him and her.

And I tell her about it in an email. I point it out. but I cant make it seem like I'm serious. Because if I do what if she argues.. Pushes me away for good?

It's all catch 22.



Today in work, I had a nosebleed. For the first time in months I felt that trickle of crimson running over my lips. They used to be so frequent. Then one day they left. No sign of crimson anymore. I tidied myself up in work.. And nothing really came of it.. When I got home.. Obviously there were other plans..

I'm not sure what happened to be honest.. But I was found half passed out in the bathroom after throwing up bleeding from my nose like something unheard of. I've spent the last couple of hours in a hospital emergency ward, blood tests and all. Apparently I had some kind of seizure, because I came remember throwing up or the nosebleed, or even getting to the bathroom, or getting home from work. They say it can be brought on by stress, or lack of sleep, or that it can be neurological. I'm to check in with my GP soon..

Though I feel fine. I do, but I can't concentrate. I'm getting words jumbled, I'm not making much sense. But that.. I suppose for me, that's normal sometimes..

I tried to call her when I got home. No mobiles in the hospital you see. No answer.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven.

Answering machine. Again. I need support. I need somebody to tell me it's alright.

I had a good night's sleep and I was in a positive mood all day for once.. I fear it could be the latter of the three explainations. I fear..

But no, I'm alone.

Just me and her voicemail.

Eleven Rings.

From what I've been lead to believe, the standard Vodafone phone gives eleven rings before passing you on to it's voicemail. How I've come to know and memorise this, and what it's importance is, is simple.

It's the most common thing I hear, when I try to get in touch with the girl I love.

In order to avoid mass confusion, we'll start where you'd usually expect to, the beginning.

It all started 5 years ago now, when I met one of the most beautiful people I'm likely to ever meet. Small, funny, happy, caring.. And all the other things that would initially spark that reaction of attraction.
But she was unobtainable. As is always the story, right? You spend the better part of your time being slapped black and blue from people left and right, looking for somebody who you can connect with, and when you find them.. When you find them, they're unobtainable. There's a thousand and one reasons why they're unobtainable but because you're human, and stubborn, you still want them. and that's how it went. There was distance between us, she was in a relationship, I was in a relationship, one that I admit never should have been, but was.
Being who I was and still am though, I stuck with it.

We spoke and we spoke.. And we grew closer.. And some of those reasons that made her unobtainable left. Over a Christmas period my relationship had ended. Her own relationship grew to fizzle out. We spoke more, we grew even closer. But still, she was unobtainable. The more I learnt about this girl the more I realised I'd found myself lingering for somebody out of my league. I wasn't worthy to lick this girls boots, let alone hold her hand.
But isn't that always the way you feel, when you slowly find yourself tripping out over somebody in so many ways. She likes that band I like, She likes that film I like, She misses the old cereals that I miss..

And, just in case you're wondering.. Nirvana, Almost Famous, Lucky Charms.

Anyway, let's fast forward a little, the date is now April 30th 2006. The day I risked it all. And said "Fuck you" to all those thoughts of 'unobtainability'. We met, we kissed, we hugged. I held her hand.
I have a clock in my room as I type this, which hasn't been touched since that day. One of those old 'flip' clocks.. You know, where the day and date flip down in that very scoreboard fashion. It still reads "11:33 Sun 30". I refuse to touch it. That day was incredible. I suppose it's silly in a way, but I somehow feel if I don't touch that clock, I'll always feel closer to that day somehow. Like in this room I've captured that day, and I can hold onto it forever. And I like that thought.
So after that day, we spent time together whenever we could.. And skipping forward just a short while longer..

May 20th 2006. We became an item.

People talk about key moments in their life, and how you only get so many. No matter how limited the amount of those moments you can have, those two days, will always be counted.
Cutting to the now and today, as I write this it's 2:40am on the 27th October 2007, and we're still together. And I still love her. I have a knowledge inside me that tells me I always will. She completes me.
She always has. And we've solved a lot of problems we would have to face. I'm even planning on moving closer to her, so we can make the most of our time.

Or.. I was.

A few months ago I think we hit that bridge most couples do, in where it's sink or swim time. We started to argue. I needed more of her time.. She has decided to spend more and more time doing other things. Thus resulting in the majority of her time being taken up, I got what was left over, which, if I wasn't around usually resulted in a 5 minute phone call at the end of her day. Now to avoid all this from seeming like a biased argument I'll leave that side of things at that.
She told me she'd fix it. To get off her case about it.

At present day I'm still waiting.

I can't sleep anymore because of it. Every time I rest my head, I wonder if she knows what she's doing. I can't tell her of course because that results in her hitting the roof. And less time for me. And I don't know what to do. So I'm here, trying to sit it out.
Living my life in a nuclear bunker. Hoping that when I emerge, the sun still shines and she'll love me unconditionally as she has. But with all these hopes and fears, comes stress and paranoia. Am I kidding myself?
I've met the girl of my dreams. She's mine. I love her. We're together. And yet I can hardly get into her schedule. Getting in touch with her is sometimes even harder.. On the phone I bought her just to make her smile, she doesn't pick up..

I sometimes, just feel.. Like.. I don't know.

I'm in love with an answering machine.