He's the bad guy because I'm biased.

So theres a little bit of groundwork with my last blog. You know a bit about who I am, or at least who I've been and been with. Though the full story it was not.

Before this whole break thing came into play there did so enter another. Somebody she works with. Sounded like a nice guy to be honest. I use past tense because I'm bitter.

I'm a bitter, bitter man.


So as I stated before the break came this man, worming his way into a friendship. Then what? She spends more time out.. Out with him. What do I say? I say nothing. Why? Because I wanted her to have fun with her friends. Who wouldn't? Not me.
I regret that.
I think I may always have to considering the time they spent together increased and the time with me decreased. If I enquired it would result in an argument, with her complaining about how I want every last bit of her time. I'm so inconsiderate..

But this is how it went. Up until a week or two before the break.. When what happened, but he turn around and tells her he loves her.

To me, people don't fall in love with somebody who's taken by innocent deeds. Call me ignorant or stubborn if you will but that's how I see it. Though the worst thing was how she reacted, wanting to protect him after he said it. My phone call from her that night all 20 minutes of it involved her crying about it. Because she "didn't want to hurt him". Well how about how I felt? A guy swoops in, steals the time with the girl who should be mine and tells her he loves her, whilst I'm kept out of the loop. and when I say I'm angry you protect him, you can't stop talking to him, even if I ask you to, and not even for the long run, just for the short while. What about me? Granted it was something said between the two of you, but you've been alienating and pushing ME away.

One night we have an argument at Manchester Oxford Road station. She spends all day distracted, moody.. Almost looking like she doesn't want to be there with me, we goto the cinema, we go for something to eat. We argue about what he said. It was innevitable. i'm insecure. She's beautiful. He's a threat. She departs on a train and we finnish the argument over the phone.
I ask her if she love shim, she says not in that way. I ask her if she likes him in the same way, she says she doesn't know. I ask her why she's so upset, she says shes's angry at him. I ask her why I have it taken out on me, when the little time we spend together I cherish, and she spends moping. She say's she's confused.
I'm angry. And deeply scarred from this. It's happened to me before. Only that time I was turned and ditched. I don't want this to happen again.
As I said, a week or so later, she needed time. Time to do her own thing. Time to herself, without me, without all this stress I bring to the table. It'll be the best thing for us she says. "I need to know I can miss you, like I used to." she said.. Apparently, at this present moment in time, I'm not what she wants. Although she does manage to throw in a few "I love you"'s and "I'm still your baby"'s. Keeping me hanging onto her and the ideal ending to all this.
The next few weeks find me in a panic, I return to smoking, I drink alot more. I start taking more painkillers for my knee. A few weeks ago I'd been beaten up at a train station in Wigan after going to see her. I still have the limp. I still have the pain. The pain didn't grow any worse, my needs for relief did.
I turn into a wreck, a bitter, angry.. disgruntled man. And I start counting. Counting to what I don't know. Counting the seconds from this moment to my last with her. a long slow drawn out death of a beautiful thing. She calls me everynight to tell me she loves me. And firmly reminds me we're still on a break. That this isn't what she wants. I get my ten minutes a night.
But my nights last longer than ten minutes. I can't get to sleep until after she calls, and then all of a sudden. I stop sleeping. When you stop sleeping your mind wanders alot. If your insecure.. this is never a good thing, as you sit waiting up for her call, having not slept for days, and you imagine her.. Fucking another guy. Cheating on you, like they've all done to you. Every last one. It's a curse, it's your curse. It'll end up this way. And when she doesn't call you feel rejected, maybe she's laying in a bed next to him.. When you call her a she doesn't answer you wonder if she hears it but won't respond because she's busy with him. The man who told her he loves her. The man who stole my time.
She goes to parties with him.. She works with him.. She hangs around with him.. But she tells me I'm stupid for thinking such things. I'm an idiot and my perception is skewed. I'm wrong. And for the moments following those words. I do believe her. And it seems to me I'm ok. And then she's gone. And I realise that's been said to me before. And how the lies they don't bother the people who tell them.. Not if they're having fun whilst they last.
And my heart breaks. And I'm left alone again, to fend off a sleepless night.

And a few days ago, she heads off to a halloween party. Her friends post pictures of how it was on her facebook. And there.. What do I see? There.. resting each others heads together, all cosied up..

I see him and her.

And I tell her about it in an email. I point it out. but I cant make it seem like I'm serious. Because if I do what if she argues.. Pushes me away for good?

It's all catch 22.



Today in work, I had a nosebleed. For the first time in months I felt that trickle of crimson running over my lips. They used to be so frequent. Then one day they left. No sign of crimson anymore. I tidied myself up in work.. And nothing really came of it.. When I got home.. Obviously there were other plans..

I'm not sure what happened to be honest.. But I was found half passed out in the bathroom after throwing up bleeding from my nose like something unheard of. I've spent the last couple of hours in a hospital emergency ward, blood tests and all. Apparently I had some kind of seizure, because I came remember throwing up or the nosebleed, or even getting to the bathroom, or getting home from work. They say it can be brought on by stress, or lack of sleep, or that it can be neurological. I'm to check in with my GP soon..

Though I feel fine. I do, but I can't concentrate. I'm getting words jumbled, I'm not making much sense. But that.. I suppose for me, that's normal sometimes..

I tried to call her when I got home. No mobiles in the hospital you see. No answer.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven.

Answering machine. Again. I need support. I need somebody to tell me it's alright.

I had a good night's sleep and I was in a positive mood all day for once.. I fear it could be the latter of the three explainations. I fear..

But no, I'm alone.

Just me and her voicemail.