How to save a life.

This is more an apology than anything else. Over the last few days, I've had time to stew and think and sit things through. And I'm angry, and I'm bitter. My health is in doubt. I'm losing love. But more importantly I'm lashing out. Without reason. You have to be cold and heartless to push the people away who are only trying to ease the pressure. Or give you that hand on your shoulder, that says nothing more but they're there.

And that's how I feel. Cold and heartless.

The neurology appointment comes along on the 9th. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of what's going on. They say it'll be nothing I know, but.. I have a feeling it's the kind of nothing you say when you don't want to cause a panic.

I'm forgetting people, places, times and dates. I wake up confused and unsure. I goto sleep much the same. Everything in between when trying to recall is but a blur. It scares the shit out of me. But who am I to show weakness concerns me. I've spent a lot of the time since this happened pretending I'm fine. But it's getting to me. I'm petrified.

How long before I forget something big? How long before I pass out and nobody is there to find me? What if I don't wake up, when I have a nosebleed in my sleep? Will I always be confused?

Even things like playing the guitar, I struggle with now, it feels like my body is working faster than my brain.

Body, faster than mind. And I think because of this (Though please this isn't an excuse fvor my actions) could be why I'm saying stupid things, being a stupid person. And I apologise. In the only way right now I can truely explain it, which would be through simple words, in simple format, simply put.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to hurt people, push them away, make them worry or cause pity on my side.

I don;t know how to deal with all this, I've never been good with dealing with anything, usually resorting to booze or drugs or just running. But I can't run from this, and I can't hide behind crutches. So I'm angry..

I'm dissapointed in myself. I know you might feel the same dissapointment towards me too.

Sorry.